Alas, Fort Wayne
Last night I had the news that Fort Wayne, Indiana has been dubbed the dumbest town in America by Mens Health Magazine. I found this kind of amusing, as I've actually been to Fort Wayne... and I've certainly been around it as the internet-state highway goes right north of it. It's one of the largest cities in Indiana, right up there with other towns you've never heard of.
Since I have to delete over 300 comment spams that were left overnight, I figured I'd jot down my memories of Fort Wayne. Unfortunately my only real memory of being in Fort Wayne was back in 1998, and involved a girl named Meredith, who was from Fort Wayne, and she needed to go home for some reason and that the company would be welcome... and I actually went. This was a time in my life when a pretty girl could mention something, bat her eyes, and I'd be down.
I've since learned my lesson, and picked up phrases like: "A postcard would rock, thanks." So, I went, and we did what she had to do... and then had an afternoon and evening to kill until what we had to do the next day. The conversation went like so:
Me: Oooook, so what do you want to do?
Her: I don't know, really.
Me: There has to be something here that'd be fun to do?
Her: I wish we were here during the Summer, there is this ice cream place that sells the best cinnamon ice cream, but it's only open during the summer.
(conversation about cinnamon ice cream ensues)
Me: Ok, so what do you want to do? What did you used to do that was around here?
Her: Oh, we could go Putt-putting!
Me: Putt-putting?
Her: Miniature golf! There is a place not too far from here. Then we can go get some food and maybe a movie.
Me: I know what it is, I just haven't heard it suggested for ages...
Her: *bats eyes*
Me: Oh, Ok...
Her: Yay!
Long and short of it, miniature golf didn't happen. Not only was it not open, but even if it was... ah how to explain this without photographic evidence which I thought I had, but it turns out I can't find. And as an aside note, it's really hard for me to get worked up about the glass ceiling when women have that whole batting-eyes evolutionary trait thing locked up solid.
Basically, the miniature golf place had a trailer for the front office, and the golf course was... well, imagine a 200 foot square wooden box with two by fours separating patches of green with holes strewn about. It was just sad. Awful, really, like something you'd build in your backyard, and unfortunately I couldn't really make fun of it to entertain myself, for obvious reasons. It wasn't open because it was getting dark, and there was no outdoor lighting...
The next night in Fort Wayne went even further downhill, where after more eye-batting I was forced to participate in a function known as "human bowling":
It was pretty much as bad as it looks. This all occurred in 1998, and she's still paying for it.
The highlight of the trip to Fort Wayne, outside of just hanging out in the car, was pretty much hanging out in the park goofing off. A close second was when I was cornered by this person who could sense my fear and wouldn't let up on Fort Wayne facts.
I remember this vividly, because it was just so surreal. Why on earth he started throwing down facts about Fort Wayne was beyond me, but listening to him gave me excuses not to turn myself into a human bowling ball. As it turns out there were some weird ones, which I haven't verified, but the guy did seem very sincere:
- Baking powder was invented in Fort Wayne.
- The self-contained washing machines we use today was invented there
- The gas pump we use for our cars was apparently invented in Fort Wayne
- Apparently Thomas Edison spent a year living in Fort Wayne, and while Edison created the incandescent bulb, the 'arc light' was invented in Fort Wayne. This lead to the first artificially-lit baseball game happening there and the first outdoor city lighting.
- Apparently, and I couldn't be sure as to whether or not he was being completely serious... there used to be a huge brewery in Fort Wayne that was eerily like the Charlie and the Chocolate factory books, only it revolved around beer. It had a big park on premises with horse racing, boat rides on its feeder canals, trolleys, and, well, beer.
For the record, if the last one still existed, I'd be back there in a heart beat. Some enterprising young man with too much money really needs to throw down and give Disney World a run for it's money with a theme park aimed at adults.
Moral #1: Be wary of batting eyes. This is an especially dangerous time of year for them, what with the girl scouts being out in packs trying to get you to buy cookies. Be strong.
Moral #2: Just about every place has swing sets and parks, so you probably have very little reason to very go to Fort Wayne. About the only town worth hanging out in in Indiana is Bloomington, or a very small section of Indianapolis called BroadRipple. Unless you are going in the fall to see the leaves change color, in which case Brown County is worth flying across the country to see... and avoid Gary Indiana, a small town right outside Chicago, unless you own a Kevlar suit. And don't try to find a hotel in South Bend, or even a 50-mile radius, during a Notre Dame home game. That's about all you need to know about Indiana.
Moral #3: I need to remind Meredith that she still owes me.
While going through my feeds, I came upon this much, much more disturbing account of Fort Wayne over at verybigblog. Geez.
Posted by drunkenbatmanJanuary 21, 2005, at 04:31 PM
Comments (13)
Posted by: Zachery Bir at January 21, 2005 06:07 PM
For what it's worth, those of us who grew up there call it "Fart Waste".
Right on about B'ton and Brown County, though. Broad Ripple? Ehn.
Ex-Nor'n Indiana resident.
Posted by: Alun Carr at January 21, 2005 06:19 PM
Beware of attributing the incandescent lightbulb to anyone, especially Edison. The best bet for the inventor of the thing that you have in your house is actually Joseph Swan:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Swan
Swan _never_ visited Fort Wayne. Heck, it was probably traumatic enough for him to cross the Tyne from Gateshead to Newcastle to demonstrate the electric lightbulb at the Lit. and Phil. [in-joke for Geordies].
Posted by: Kitchum at January 21, 2005 07:46 PM
Terre Helle we called it. Class of '02. What a waste land, but it's where I had my scholarship. And that verybigblog link is just awful. I had a second of picturing her without her panties replaced with a much worse image. Yikes.
Posted by: jrg at January 22, 2005 03:07 AM
First of all, Fort Wayne Sucks. But Indianapolis is not that bad. Broad Ripple is fine if you want to shake your butt, but downtown is where it is at. Chill bars, nice people, I am there. So visit if you can, it is a fun place.
Posted by: Fazal Majid at January 26, 2005 03:55 AM
Heh, a lissome-lidded lass lured me to Fort Wayne as well, braving thunderstorms that cast lightning a mere 100 feet or so from a puny Untied Airlines propfan (and an unscheduled stopover at Columbus, Ohio to boot). Whatever its faults, Fort Wayne must have an amazing supply of pretty batting eyelashes.
Posted by: Bob at January 27, 2005 07:47 PM
HEY! Yeah Ft Wayne fuckin sucks dead donkey dick
Posted by: Liberals get mad at February 9, 2005 04:25 PM
People that say things like "nuf said" and "chill bars" and "Ex-Nor'n Indiana resident" speaks for themselves. Wow I'd say its not just people from Fort Wayne that can't talk. If you're gonna hate on Fort Wayne hate on Indiana as a whole because its all the same .
Posted by: woodard at November 10, 2005 12:59 PM
I once left my home in Calif to move to Fart Wayne with my husband .I hated it so very much .When arriving in the Fart my husband rode me around showing me were he grow up play football and things of that nature I remember me and my kids looking like lord please let this be a bad dream .Well to make a long story short I'm back in lovely Calif while he is still in the Fart not taking care of his kids and going to jail.I HATE THAT PLACE
Posted by: nutter17 at December 2, 2005 12:17 AM
Fart Wayne, hmm; Yes that sums it up well. Fort Rain is a bleak place, filled with ugly, and fat people. The night life has completely dried up, as has the economy. The south side is unsafe as hell if you are caucasian. Imagine a place filled with less educated Rush Limbaugh prototypes, methhead zombies, and the always present African American thugs.. gettin their dope slang thing on and bustin' caps in other niggas domes. The cops wait for you to come out of the bars downtown and then bust you for a DUI; because the manufacturing base has left and they need a fundraiser. Oh yeah, the weather is awful 7 months out of the year. There is a layer of filth on everything in the winter, it has a gloominess that rivals street scenes that you see in Jack the Ripper movies. It fuckin sucks, I've had to move back here due to financial/health problems, and just the area alone makes with have to fight off thoughts of killing myself sometimes. It's just such a bleak and ugly existence here.
Posted by: Stephanie at December 11, 2005 02:32 AM
While Fort Wayne does have it's bad points, it's not that bad of a place to live. I've lived here my whole life, and I'm not doing too bad. :-)
I've got to say that I've never heard of it referred to as "Fart Wayne".
Oh, and to nutter17, there is not only fat and ugly people here. I'm not fat, nor ugly.(Although to be fair, I did used to be fat)
Posted by: CLEVER_NAME at March 9, 2006 03:15 AM
You people are motherfucking idiotic. You can live in LA and find horrible places; I've lived in areas of Chicago that make Pontiac St. seem like a paradise. You can find the "bad" in any city. Fort Wayne isn't that great, but it's not terrible. I'm glad that I grew up there. Maybe travel outside of the Midwest, or hell, the US in general; just get some perspective, people.
Posted by: CLEVER_NAME at March 9, 2006 03:30 AM
By the way: I've lived on the south side of Ft. Wayne for several years- just because you're the minority doesn't mean you're going to get shot or raped.
You and Men's Health Mag have obviously never been to Terre Haute.
'nuf said.
;-)