Steal this kid

I've come to the conclusion that children and I just don't mix. There are various degrees of this: before they are walking & talking and all it is a lost cause, they just freak me out... once they're past a certain age, all is well and by & large they do well with me as well, I treat kids like short me's, which is fine and all until something annoys me and I look over to see their shocked expressions... usually caused by me swearing like a sailor over something trivial, which I'm prone to doing.

But, like I said, I'm a little better once they are old enough to actually have a conversation with, even if you feel like you're talking to Andy Rooney sometimes. It can be entertaining and all, and even a lot of fun. But that larval stage scares the hell out of me. It just puts me on edge... even puppies generally know that when they see a cliff (or in this case, stairs, or a balcony) it's prolly not a good idea to go jumping off. Not kids at this stage. They see stairs, they are throwing themselves headfirst off of them. Electrical sockets are made for tongues. Sharp objects are made for bashing into their face at the most destructive angle possible. It's amazing that we don't have more one-eyed people walking around.

And you know, the parents kinda get used to this stuff, and are "oh, don't worry about it" as their kid is trying to gnaw on a rock. Not me, knowing myself, and what others know about me, I'm deathly afraid something is going to happen. And, due to my proximity, and past experience, I'm reasonably sure I'll somehow be held as responsible. I just find it exhausting.

I just don't operate in "kid mode", which be a bit of a problem considering so many of my damn friends are reproducing. It's really not amusing, although I think it's great for the actual people involved. And their kids are adorable, but the mindset that changes is just... case in point:

I call to check in with a friend, and the conversation basically ends up like this:

Me: "...Aw, that's cool. So how is (small childs' name) doing?"
Her: "Ok, but she's sick again.She has some kind of weird disease."

Me: *chuckles* "Weird disease? What the hell?"

Her: "Serious! The doctor says it is some weird thing called 'hand, foot, & mouth' disease. But she only has it on her mouth."

I dunno why, but the sentence above just cracks me up. It just happens, and again I'm not sure why it's so funny... prolly because it is so outside my frame of reference that it appears to be this random absurd thing. I just find that sentence to be amusing.

Rule of thumb™: Never, ever laugh when a woman's child is involved. Even if the kid does something funny, wait until she laughs, and then laugh. With the father it's perfectly fine, but not the mother. Evar. Just don't go there. If you do, chances are you'll get that dreaded silence, followed by the blank "What kind of cold hearted bastard are you?".

I'm generally find the safest course of action to be a furrowed brow followed by an "AwwwOoH" sound, which is a mix between an "Awww" sound for finding something adorable, and an "OooOOh" sound for when you're having sympathy for someone. Since it's fairly ambiguous, your chances of them interpreting it in a way that doesn't involve sudden silence and the death-stare goes way, way up.

But, I can't really help it. Your mindset just changes when you've had a child, and you either have it or you don't. I'm missing a gene I think. There's a reason why all my friends are reproducing, and I'm not being asked to be a godfather.* And you know, I can't really blame them.

*In all fairness, there are, quite probably, about 10+ reasons I'll never be asked to be a godfather, and in their defense, they would all be very valid reasons.